spiritual pessimism, the goal of adventure, & other assorted thoughts
DC Q1 Review
Q1 in the books. Three whole months today. At risk of being cliche, a lifetime and a blink at the same time.
It has not been that long since the last time I teared up on 395 passing the monuments, even though I drive that way multiple times a week. I am still in shock at how much I love it here. I don’t even have great words as to why.
When I was about to move, I would have said this place was my kryptonite because of the pace and the energy and the drive and the legacy of leaders who were right for their moment and the naive but genuine hope of being one of them and probably most of all, the spiritual history the Lord and I have here. All of which I would still stand by.
But now that I’ve been here longer than approximately one minute, I would add a few things. What I did not know is how beautiful it is when spring finally comes to stay and how energizing it is to walk more than I ever have and most moving of all, how unbelievably welcoming and hospitable and open the people are. Consider me convicted - and in such a debt of gratitude it almost feels paralyzing.
So all that to say - I’m having a stellar time. So much so that it’s messing with my theology.
I simply have no business questioning the character of God.
I don’t say that to disqualify the questions I have asked - and am asking - him. I believe they are legitimate, and this version of me is actually much more comfortable being brutally honest with the Lord than younger Haley was. I believe we can and should engage with him in that way and I will continue to do so.
But caveat aside - the riches of life that I have gotten to experience, the beautiful example of parental love I grew up with and still enjoy, the experiences the Lord has both dropped in my lap and spared me from, the health mercies, the depth of friendships - the list piles up to the degree that I am being sincere in saying I have no excuse. I have seen the goodness of God.
And yet.
I still get jumbled up in my brain about how to reconcile the character of God and the sovereign way he guides our lives and the choices we make and the ways sin affects us that seem fully random and whether our faithfulness actually moves him to action and on and on. Shocking no one. This is why people much smarter and more studious than me go to seminary and can help the rest of us.
I genuinely do believe his character is as perfect as he says. I have no qualms about saying with confidence that he is good and kind and can be fully trusted with infinite power and is perfectly just and isn’t petty and isn’t cruel and cares to hear us and all those things and more. Fully sold.
But over the last few years, I keep tripping over the same concept when it comes to my most gut-level conversations with him, which, of course, usually bleed out of my gut-level assumptions about him. Time and time again, it’s not his character, it’s not even really the circumstances I believe he’s given me - it’s always his intentions toward me.
What does he want. What does he want for me.
Not even what does he want for the world, in the grand, history-spanning kind of way. I feel decently comfortable in my answers there - redemption, restoration, unhindered fellowship, unity, the curse undone.
But what does he want for me, this week, this month, this year.
My joy? My holiness? My laughter? My character development? My delight? My resilience? All of the above? One at the expense of the others?
And of course, that answer affects everything about how I interact with him.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again because alas it continues to be true - my most comfortable relationship with the Lord is that of a really great project manager/coach/mentor.
He and I are working together toward a goal in me - making me more like Jesus - and around me - living the way of the kingdom and inviting other people into it. He is leading the effort, orchestrating the plan toward the goal, and I am doing my best to respond.
And I believe both goals are worth everything I have and everything it takes to get there, so on my best days, I’m all about the process he has me walking through - the tasks it takes to finish the project, the reps it takes to get stronger. You get the gist.
And honestly I am great with that approach. I love to work with people toward a goal. That is pretty much the ultimate form of bonding for me, and developing that analogy with the Lord over the years has given me some helpful ways to sort challenges and suffering and confusion. Perseverance producing character, holding fast to hope, finding joy in suffering, running the race, I can name you all the good and valid New Testament ideas that have reinforced my project manager/coach theory.
But let me tell you what my comfortable little approach simply cannot categorize.
Having an absolute blast.
What is the end game of joy?
What is the goal of a once-in-a-lifetime adventure?
Where does fun fit into the project plan that’s moving me toward the desired end state?
Where do I find “a dream come true” in the sanctification roadmap that I’ve psyched myself up to persevere through?
This is not the first time I’ve struggled with this. Throw together a reliable propensity to feel guilty at the first hint of an opportunity, a self-critical bent, and a littleee bit of a martyr complex - and I can have an impressive ability to overanalyze my way out of enjoying things. I’m sure I’m a real TREAT of a follower to the Lord.
But this is probably the most confronted I’ve ever felt by it.
It’s hard to ignore when every day I wake up a little more settled into a brand new life I had stopped dreaming about. When DC is exactly what I hoped and somehow so much more. When I am sincerely having the best time starting over at 30 - and yet somehow feel like I’ve started over in a place that already made sense. When, even if this experience changes or gets worse or ends soon, it’s already worth every tear I cried trying to decide whether to come.
Why do I automatically assume something is wrong with that.
There’s a laundry list of reasons, I’m sure, but the concise truth is I assume God doesn’t want me to feel this way.
My life isn’t sacrificial enough, I’m too selfish, my ambitions are misplaced, etc., etc., and if all those things were fixed, I would be having less fun, and that would be better.
And before you know it, I’ve gutted any blessing of its potency and preciousness and assumed the worst of the Lord’s intentions toward me. Spiritual pessimism, I’ve started to call it.
And I want to be wrong.
When I felt the guilt kick in during my very fun and surprisingly full early weeks here, I was driving home thinking about how long this has marked my life with the Lord and wondering if I would meet anyone here I could talk to about it. Hoping for some new perspective and maybe a cure for the pessimism plague. For someone to tell me I’m wrong about the Lord.
And as I was pulling into my apartment, the thought flashed in my mind, “Why don’t you talk to Me about my character?”
Duly NOTED.
Thoughts that fast and that pointed? Per previous instances and my best guess - that’s likely the voice of the Spirit for me.
So I’m trying. Trying to reckon with him the role of fun in his plan, the role of delight in his worldwide redemption program, the role that having a great time might play in his intentions toward me.
Trying to consider the thought that absolutely reveling in joy for the sake of joy might not just be permissible for me, but desired for me.
Something he might want for me. And for you.
I’ve been putting off writing this for months now, honestly because I hoped I’d be further along.
I don’t have any answers.
But it’s time for a quarterly business review of DC Q1.
And to be more honest, if communicating about my walk with God continues to be part of what he and I are doing together - then it was time to write this with both feet solidly planted in the middle of the I-don’t-knows.
I’m still trying to reconcile all the aforementioned things and all those I left out and now trying to add into the mix the question of whether I could really be in a loyal, loving relationship with a God who wants me to have a great time when he gives me the circumstances to do so. Is that even allowed.
I think I’m just getting started talking to him about his character - and his intentions.
On Monday night on the plane back into DC, I pulled up an old playlist because I have approximately no music downloaded, and right as we made our descent over the National Mall, I got to the bridge of Jireh.
“More than you ask, think or imagine, according to His power.”
Yes okay I got teary. At this point I’m assuming it’s not stopping anytime soon.
Jehovah Jireh - The Lord provides.
I’ve always assumed that means the Lord provides sustenance in suffering, comfort in confusion, hope in heartache.
Of course it does.
But could it also mean the Lord provides unexpected, undeserved, grossly abundant and wildly generous favor? More than I ask, think or imagine?
I’d be lying if I tried to deny it. I have seen the goodness of God.
And I hope it keeps messing with my theology.